Pinball Thoughts & Shattered Dreams

The past 10 days have been like a tug of war between my head & heart. Since the revelations of last week my mind has been incessantly hyperactive & it’s taking everything about me not to spin out of control. Every attempt to steer my mind away from K has been futile & I find myself consumed. 

On Saturday night I decided to put pen to paper, literally, & wrote to him. I had no idea if I was going to send it but I knew I had to try & reach out to him & didn’t feel text was appropriate. I wrote without stopping or thinking about it too much; everything coming from the heart. I explained how worried & concerned I am about him & his choices, & how confused I am about what is going on between us. I tried to remind him of where he was when we met & the things he told me in relation to his lifestyle & wanting to leave that behind him, knowing how important it was to him & struggling to accept that it had all gone by the wayside. 

I read it & reread what I had written, deciding to add a bit more to clarify my intention behind the letter & sent it. I figured I wasn’t going to be able to stop the internal tug of war unless I did something about it. Thankfully he responded & took the letter & my concern as it was intended, & said he too had been doing some serious thinking after the weekend just gone. However, he also confirmed that he cannot be in a relationship right now, with me or anyone else, due to his need to sort himself out. 

I am thankful for his honesty & that he has been able to recognise things for himself although I can’t deny I’m not saddened by his response also. Nonetheless, it has only slightly calmed my mind. One minute I feel content & secure, & the next doubts of all kinds are skipping through like a tumultuous brass band. I go from believing in myself & my capabilities, being on my own & time being the only thing between K & I, to wondering how to start again & feeling like a failure, convinced K has already moved on & he is now just trying to distance himself in the easiest of ways. Then I feel guilty about disbelieving him, which is when my mind kicks in with reasons for the scepticism & the need to move on. I start to feel like I can do this. But then it backtracks & contemplates the possibility that I am reading into everything too much & it’s just a matter of time making me feel I need to just move on in the sense of my life but not my heart. And we’re back to square one ready to start the cycle again. 

I’ve asked everything I have about the direction I should go, the direction our relationship is & will go, if he still loves me & if he’s interested in someone else. I have set my intentions & wishes alight, & have read every planetary influence possible. Yet I have now got to the point where I don’t know what I’m being told, whether I am reading only what I want out of it all & the trust in my ability is faltering. I feel like I’m bouncing from one extreme to another being flicked like a pinball from side to side. 

Refocusing

Thought I’d pick up my journal & get back on track with this self love journey. I had kept it going all the way up to my time away with my sister & a few days in but then it all seemed to get a bit lost with everything going on. I kept it up having to backtrack a few days on occasion, but I bypassed the 4 week review telling myself I’d go back to it another time; when I had more time to stop & think about it. That time never was found. It then just stops on the 6th August. I remember thinking that I couldn’t wait to write about Sublime with Rome & that I must add the few days that had passed. Instead it just sat there on the coffee table in front of me looking as unloved as I was feeling. 

Reflecting back I can see that my mind was so preoccupied with the upcoming concert; not knowing who I was going with, or even if I was going with anyone at all, I lost focus completely & then spiralled after the way it all turned out with K telling me he would go only to change his mind a couple of hours before we were going to meet up. Of course, he’s entitled to change his mind but the fact that he did that on so many occasions when we were together made me feel like I didn’t mean anything to him & now having done exactly the same when we’re…I don’t even know what the fuck we are but I know we’re no longer in a relationship. He says he “doesn’t want to lose me out of his life”. As I’ve said previously, I don’t know what he means by that & I can’t allow myself to overthink it otherwise it will take over me, but I’m not sure I can carry on the way we have been any more as it’s destroying me. Not knowing if or when I’ll see or hear from him next is sending my mind into overdrive. The hope of us reuniting is not allowing me to move on like he appears to have done & this inner turmoil is preventing me from keeping focused. However, added to that is the confusion of whether to try & get together to talk & find out where I stand or to just walk away. 

Although I have managed to keep my food intake up with my trusty fruit, yogurt & granola at work, it has been a struggle in the evenings when my mind has all the time in the world to take me down the rabbit hole. My water intake on the other hand has gone by the wayside & has done for a while which I can only put down to the lack of focus on my journal. I bought a new water bottle that’s glass, as glass is always better than plastic, so hopefully that will turn things around. Side note, why do water bottles come in random sizes, never a simple litre or 500mls!? 

On the other hand, I have been out a few times over the last couple of weeks & I am feeling the benefits of getting out of the house & being around people. I even went in a pub for a drink on my own after my friend had gone home for the night instead of waiting for my lift outside. It probably helped that I’d had a couple already but I wasn’t drunk & still felt somewhat anxious but I did it!! I feel so pathetic that it is an issue for me, but I am determined to rise above it & work at it no longer being an issue. I have also been ticking things off my to do list. So, although I may have struggled to keep focused on the physical journal the past month, I am still doing things for myself that keep me feeling positive & good about myself, & I have kept up a healthy diet of fruit, yogurt & granola. Now, hopefully, with a concerted effort to focus on my journal, & thus myself, I will actually start to arrive at a place where I can maintain “heartfelt happiness” like it suggests. 

Love…

I am literally going insane with my mind in complete overdrive!! I don’t know which way to turn. Why do I have to love someone who doesn’t love me!? Why do I hold on to hope when it seems all is lost? Why can’t my heart let go when my head gives all the reasons why it should!? Why do I torture myself like I am now!? 

I have no answers & I’m going round in circles.

Love; it can build our hearts up & yet tear it down to shreds. 

Failing Life

I feel like a failure & I’m struggling to work through the pain. My mind has completely spiralled into overdrive since the weekend & it’s eaten away at everything I had gained over the last month. The feeling of isolation & abandonment that followed Saturday has left me wondering where I went so wrong. The other night I tried to take my mind off things by listening to podcasts but 2 out of 3 brought up being pregnant, miscarriages & babies; that was it, I was in pieces. Thoughts spinning round my head, spiralling out of control all week. 

October 2015 I found out I was pregnant. I was terrified. We were both terrified. Neither of us were ready, we’d only been together for a matter of months. I had always said I’d have a child when I was 30, but needed to quit smoking. I needed to sort myself out physically & mentally. I’d just pulled myself up from rock bottom & was trying to rebuild my life. I booked in for a termination which we both agree on & as much as I was dreading the ordeal, I knew it was the right thing to do. As it turned out nature intervened & I had a miscarriage. It was the most confusing feeling; the outcome was what I wanted but I felt like it had been taken out of my control – just like everything else in my life. The experience was awful & I felt so alone. I didn’t have anyone I felt I could turn to who would understand or that I wanted to know. K didn’t understand & as far as he was concerned it was what we both wanted, just not how we’d planned. But the pain, both physically & emotionally was soul destroying. He sent me a number of beautiful messages which gave me hope for our future & I tried to move on as best I could, being strong & putting on a brave front. I honoured the little bean by planting it with a beautiful plant K had bought me, which still sits in the kitchen today. I’m hoping one day it will flower again…

Following that I knew I needed to sort out some more reliable contraception; I clearly couldn’t be trusted with the pill but I’d had an awful time on the implant before so I was a bit lost. I had a consultation with the nurse to discuss my options but because I smoked, am underweight & over 30 my options were limited. I opted for the pill & planned to ensure measures were in place so I couldn’t forget. I had to wait to start them though following my next period. I had a premonition that I was going to have another failed pregnancy & started to try & read my palms, which seemed to confirm what I visioned. Fuck a duck, I fell pregnant again before I got chance to start the pill again!! This time though I was considering keeping it; wondering if it was my time, if it was meant to be. Suddenly I was not ok with a termination but K was still very much in the same mindset as before. I had taken the view that if I miscarried then it wasn’t meant to be but I didn’t, & don’t, want to be an old mom & although didn’t feel ready, I was scared I was waving my chances goodbye. K however spoke a lot of sense & I knew deep down he was right. 6th April 2016 was when I left the clinic feeling violated & empty. I couldn’t explain my grief & tried to put on a brave face again. 

The love I felt for K just grew stronger but things seemed to get harder & harder between us. The wedge was becoming insurmountable & I was starting to feel lost. It felt like both times had been forgotten about, brushed under the rug to be out of sight & out of mind. It wasn’t like I wanted to dwell or always talk about it or bring it up, but there didn’t seem to be anything. All I had was my little plant, & a little teddy bear charm necklace I had bought to put round the pot for our second little bean. I was feeling hurt & so lost, & it was starting to take over me. K didn’t seem to understand or appear to be that effected by any of it though & appeared to be confused when I got upset about the news that his brother & girlfriend were having a baby. Admittedly months had passed since that day in April but because it had all been, what felt like, brushed under the carpet, it was all still very raw for me. I didn’t want to hear about it but then I felt guilty feeling that way towards the brother of the person I loved so deeply. He seemed to happy at the news of becoming an uncle & I found it hard to sit with the overriding feelings of jealousy & inadequacy. Now I have missed out on being there for them during the pregnancy & will miss out on being a part of the little bean’s life. And it hurts. 

I tried to explain to K why I felt the way I did, but it was hard to put in to words without sounding anything but a selfish pity party. I wanted him to know how much I loved him & wanted his children, but the responses I was getting weren’t giving me any of the hope I once had for our future; they weren’t giving me any hope at all. Especially when he would retort that “people change”. I know we all change, move forward & grow, but to go from such positive certainty to now nothing – I struggle to understand, & see anything but failure. Also, with the lack of hope or anything going for me other than a demanding job now, I am struggling to do anything about my smoking & yet I know I need to, & deep down want to ready for when the day comes that I am graced with a little bean to nurture with the person I love, who loves me & our little bean too. 

Just another thing I’m failing at in life; willpower or motivation. 

Dancing In The Fog

It feels like ages since I last wrote. For the past couple weeks I’ve been super busy at work leaving me completely exhausted when I get home & I have felt somewhat foggy mentally again. Not exactly down as such, just a lil lost I guess. 

Since my break to New Mexico to see my sister I have had a number of light bulb moments. Some have been very difficult to sit with simply because of the realisation how my reactions have affected certain relationships in my life, & not in the best of ways. I am trying to work myself through the internal pain this is causing me; the regret, the guilt, the shame, & the fear of never being able to fully relinquish such deeply ingrained responses. It hasn’t been all doom & gloom; there have been some positive realisations too but they also come with their challenges & mistiness (for instance realising my passions & trying to work out ways to fulfill them). 

I have also been spending quite a bit of time applying for new jobs when energy graces it’s presence. I know & realise where I am now is no longer making me feel anything but drained & used – to the point of not having anything left for myself. One major issue of mine I have come to realise is that I give too much of myself to anyone & anything other than myself. Constantly trying to please & do right by everyone but myself & it has led me to where I am today. It’s a difficult thing to reverse & I have found it hard to even recognise in the moment – & I’m afraid of taking it too far, thus becoming selfish. 

Another realisation, although I have known this for a while, is that I want to do something more creative & fun for a living. I enjoy what I do (to an extent) & get great satisfaction knowing I play a part in protecting children from harm, but with nearly a decade working in demanding, pressurised environments, I am spent. My cup is bone dry; the glaze is cracking & will shatter if I don’t start replenishing it soon! 

With that has come a great deal of confusion which direction to take. I have come to the conclusion I need to still do something where I feel I am giving back in some form or another, but creatively. I also have tapped back into my passion for the environment since being back outdoors & surrounded by such natural beauty – the passion that was instilled in me as a young child living on a tiny island many only dream of visiting. However, my mind feels full of smog when trying to decipher which direction to go & how to go about getting there. 

I am trying to remain positive though under this overcast mind but it is difficult at times. I am looking forward to seeing one of my all time favourite bands, although not the original line up it’s as good as dammit! K is joining me, & I am trying not to overthink it. I originally bought the other ticket for him way back at the start of the year. Before we broke up he had made comments that maybe I should take someone else who was a fan. I did try to sell the ticket (following his suggestion) after I couldn’t find anyone who could/wanted to join me. Admittedly I wasn’t keen on the idea of going alone but I certainly wasn’t going to miss seeing them, so if I had to then so be it. I had no joy on that front either having not listed it soon enough, so he agreed to come. I’m trying to accept it for what it is; not thinking anything in to it but I can’t help but ponder the notion that it was meant to be. Then I get excited flutterbies followed by that old foe, anxiety. So again, I am trying not to overthink the whole thing & just go with the flow! 

Another thing I have to look forward to is a new tattoo! It’s somewhat spontaneous in the sense of having a number of designs lined up already & this came out the blue, but the prospect of what I am going to get is super exciting!! For now, I will just say it’s going to be mushroom orientated!! Queue happy dance!! 

So yeah, for the last couple weeks I have been on a bit of a mental rollercoaster, or maybe more like a trip in the fun house with constant fog machines running…

I have been writing this post for the last couple nights & it is now the day of the gig!! I am nervously excited to say the least!! I have no idea what to wear & it’s sending me in to overdrive!! I’m going to spend the morning tidying & cleaning the house as it looks like a tornado has been here for the past few days & hopefully some inspiration will come to me… But first I shall put their album on & dance! 

Ending The Week Positively

This week has been tough however has been ended positively. Returning to work & the mess I have walked into is overwhelming to say the least. There is hope in the sense of forthcoming support but that is still a little while off yet due to the recruitment process & I will need to continue as it is until they are in post & up to speed. On top of that I was informed this week our location move is definitely happening; 18th August. (I say definitely as it has been on the cards for about 2 years, maybe longer.) So, in a matter of weeks I have to deal with an office move on top of everything I am trying to catch up with, ensuring everyone who needs to know we have moved are informed & that their conference will be held at a new venue. Happy days! 

Thankfully, Saturday gave me some light relief in the way of a day out to the city where I met up with K. We had planned to meet up although originally were going to do something else which was fully booked. However I needed to go in to town for a few things & it was nice to just see where the day took us. It actually reminded me of one of our first dates – 2 years ago almost to the day. Back then there were sculptures all over the city – big painted owls – this time there are a load of bears dotted around & we spent a lot of the afternoon spotting them as we walked from place to place. 

I finally got to see his exhibition & funnily enough the bar it’s featured in is the very same one he took me to back then too! The similarities between the two “dates” (if you could call Saturday a date) is uncanny! I understand though now having seen it why K keeps saying it’s not the best place for their work or not as enthusiastic about it as I had expected. But it is still something to be proud of & they do look great in their little display cases! I’m still dying to see the film he scored but patience is a virtue, right? 

As we headed for the festival we had heard that was going on in one of the districts we stopped for a drink & it was so nice to just talk to him openly about all sorts. I missed that between us, for some reason our communication seemed to stagnate & I know I had a helping hand in that which is something I recognise. It has always been an issue for me whenever anyone gets too close I shut down & it hurts to know I did that with K too – I was determined not to when we got together & had managed to until things got tough. I’m hoping with the knowledge, recognition & this recent setback I can move forward more aware of my reactions & push through them. There is so much I want to say to him, so much I want to acknowledge & explain. I just hope I will get the chance. Should my future not be with K though I need to ensure I don’t shut down. I am a strong believer in communication being the key to a strong relationship & it’s time I took note! 

When we got to the festival it was a bit of a disappointment in that a lot of it was shutting down & the food stalls had run out of food – one of which was the same vendor as we visited on our first date all those months ago! We took a ride down the helter skelter & then went to find food & drink at the pub. It felt good to just take it as it came; no expectations, no clock watching, just enjoying the day. I was a bit bummed when he suddenly came back from the loo to say he had to go & catch his train. It all felt a bit sudden & rushed but we made our move in an attempt to catch his train. I didn’t want to & tried not to think anything about it other than what it was; he needed to catch his train before being stuck for another hour. It turned out he missed it. I can’t deny that I was secretly happy – I had no plans to come back home for a bit longer; it was nice to be out of the house, around people & life. 

He ended up bumping in to one of his friends who was out so we joined them in the pub. Thankfully I’d had a few drinks before so my anxiety didn’t stop me from turning & bolting at the sight of his friend. Had it been someone else I may have done but as the person was who he was, I felt ok. It was a fun end to the evening. Admittedly I wished we’d had the last couple of hours alone knowing I had other things I wanted to say to him & hopefully if & when we have another chance to meet up, I can say what I want him to know then. 

Anyway, before I left, K said something that I’m hoping was his way of saying he’s not in or looking for a relationship with anyone else. I can’t be sure however & need to try & remain accepting of whatever happens; what will be will be. I still love him though & hope time will bring us back together. 

On Sunday I just chilled around the house, catching up on a fee chores. However, I couldn’t help but notice a little heart in a leaf in the garden & wondered if it was the universe’s way of telling me everything will be ok between K & I. 

Pen To Paper

I wish I had stayed longer with K. Why did I leave so soon!? I didn’t want to leave but I didn’t want to keep him knowing he was going to play badminton with his brother & probably had things to do. I was also conscious that when I arrived he was not ready as I had received his message too late asking to meet up later. I still wish I had stayed longer! Why do I always get this sense of intruding on people & not wanting to outstay my welcome all the time? Couple of hours & I begin to worry, begin to get anxious that I’m getting in the way. I guess I have a cold though & would feel awful if I passed it on. 

It was so good to see him & hear his voice, even if only for a few hours, & I didn’t want to let go when I gave him a hug. I guess time will only tell if we are meant to be together. 

On a different note, I feel better about myself & where I’m going in life. A few things have started to mentally click in to place for me & I’m getting a clearer picture of the direction I want to go. I started with writing a list of where I want to be (thinking physically/geographically), I then went on to write a list of things that make me who I am, what I love & need in life & then a list of what I want to do. I wrote everything down as it came to me without thinking about it & it has helped me to get a clearer idea of who I am, what I need & which direction to go. 

This weekend has been a good one for me mentally, I feel. Even though my body is burnt out & still full of plane lurgie, & I haven’t done half as much as I could have done around the house, I have been brainstorming & the fog is now starting to clear – & having seen & heard from K I can stop doubting myself & just trust in visualisation, time & space. 

I’m not looking forward to going back to work, especially having the extra unplanned days off, & I can only hope support will be forthcoming! I’ve heard it all before when I’ve had time off so, again, I can only hope however I know it certainly won’t be by tomorrow! I need to focus on getting a new job pronto! For now though I need my bed! It still feels like a luxury at the moment having only slept in one twice in the 2 weeks I was away! Not complaining, but I am now grateful for a bed to sleep on! 

Love Conquers All

I’m so confused. I have no idea what to think or feel anymore. A large part of me is still very much attached to K yet there is a part of me full of doubt which is telling me he has moved on & it is time I did too. Last time we saw each other he said he found it hard to say goodbye but communication has been so sporadic since I’m not sure if that would still be the case. I feel kept at arms length & completely excluding from his life & his achievements, & thinking about things he has said in the past about me preventing him from pursuing or undertaking such projects is still deeply insulting as I have always been so supportive & enthusiastic of him doing them. I feel hurt that I have missed everything he has been working on & not been able to celebrate his achievements with him. Having watched his progress on various projects to now nothing. I understand I was abroad during his presentation which I had struggled with but to now know he had his film score premiered yesterday, & that I will probably never get to experience it now, is like a blow to the gut. His artistic creativity is one of the things I loved about him & being able to see him perform or otherwise filled me with pride & admiration for him. It makes me feel like he has well & truly moved on by not wanting me to be around any of his work. 

I feel completely torn between love & inadequacy, knowing I could never face his friends & things would never return to how they were. Don’t get me wrong, I do not want to go back to the past; I want to move forward, but knowing what we had together makes me want to move forward with him. However, I am not sure that is even possible now. Too much mud has been slung, too deep a gorge has been dug out between us, & I’m not sure how a bridge could be built. I would get all the backhoes & diggers I could find if I knew it would work but I’m not sure a caterpillar would cut it. 

When I was with my sister I felt like I was coming round to the idea of saying goodbye but the day after I verbalised that I could not get him out of my head & haven’t been able to since; & it is more prominent since I have been back & we have been messaging to meet up. Unfortunately I had to come home from work today due to catching the plane lurgie so hopefully we will meet up tomorrow; always looking forward to tomorrow. I wish he would tell me how he feels about ‘us’ so I know. The uncertainty is destroying me. It’s not helping with my phone reminding me of the dates we met & got together, knowing it was 2 years ago Monday just gone that we started to get to know each other – the day that sparked our relationship & I can’t do anything about it other than feel down about where we are now. I want to celebrate us, showering him in love & gratitude for being who he is & allowing me to be part of his life, but it feels inappropriate now. Is it? 

I have made my feelings for him clear; he knows I love him – all of him – through the numerous cards, letters & texts I have sent, even as recent as last month, & they still ring true today yet I have no idea how he feels about me anymore. Am I holding on to hope? Is the love he once held for me lost? Am I preventing myself from moving forward by hanging on to something that is no longer viable? Am I torturing myself by wishing for something that will never be? They say love conquers all but at the moment I just hurt & feel like I am sinking rather than conquering

Home Sweet & Sour Home

Finally home after what feels like going round the wreakin to get back from New Mexico. My own stupid fault & now I am having to wait for my bag to be couriered from the airport when it arrives in Manchester. I feel whacked but don’t want to crash just yet in the hope I can force myself back in to the English timezone. 

I am happy to be back with my cats & where things are familiar; like a simple cup of tea, but I already miss the heat & sun! Thankfully it was a beautiful blue sky when I landed however looking at the forecast it doesn’t look promising. We’ll see. Positive thinking n’all that. 

So I lasted all of a couple of hours & fell asleep with my phone in my hand as I was writing this…😅 I have struggled to get going the past couple of days & am battling feelings of guilt for not doing anything whatsoever. I literally had to give myself permission & tell myself it was ok to take things slow. I felt like half of me accepted it & half of me responded with “yada yada”. I have no idea what timezone I’m working in as it’s certainly not where I came from or where I am now! At least my bag has been delivered so I can get on with unpacking & washing… 

Other than napping, I’ve just been looking through all the photos posted on Facebook from the wedding & connecting with people I met over there. It’s making me wish I was still there & so grateful to have been! It was such a magical time & it was a joy to have been able to experience & understand what my sister does for a living (just without wedding ceremonies). I have always found it hard to grasp what she does & her lifestyle but seeing it firsthand as an adult has enabled me to now really appreciate what she does & I am in complete awe of her; not that I wasn’t before but I guess it is now amplified. It’s always been somewhat of a surprise to me how similar we are on a fundamental & spiritual level yet have had such different upbringings & lived with such distance between us. I have always wished though that I could integrate & emerse myself into a similar community. 

I also returned to some good news & I can now put the divorce well & truly behind me! Happy days! The time away & with my sister has given me the break I needed & time to reflect & think about things. It has solidified what I had realised before I left in relation to what I need in life & where I was going wrong. I have spent a lot of time since I’ve been back thinking about K. I miss him & what we had together. I was cooking myself dinner & kept thinking how much I enjoyed cooking for him; his appreciation for my efforts always made it worth while & it felt purposeful instead of a necessity when doing so just for me. Above all tho, I miss his presence & the feeling of being loved. I miss the little things he would do & the things he would teach me – whether he knew he was or not. I am excited see him tomorrow even if it is briefly after work however I can feel my anxiety increase the more I think about it. I feel like I am playing with fire, waiting for my heart to be burned again, but I don’t want to run away from the possibility, throwing away the opportunity of a life with him. The saying “Risks must be taken because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing” keeps coming to mind 

Message To The Controller

Dear Ms Amygdala, 

I would appreciate very much if you could stop trying to control my thoughts. My emotions are not a merry-go-round for you to spin out of control at your whim & fancy. You are messing with my life & relationships. You are fiddling & pressing all the wrong buttons just for the hell of it & quite frankly putting us both in danger. 

So, if you would be so gracious as to take your foot off the accelerator & step out of the driving seat that would be most appreciated. Your grip is getting too tight & it’s time to let go before you veer us off track completely. 

Thanking you