Reflecting Times

Last week I struggled immensely with the doubts & insecurities & it was really tough. I tried my techniques of distraction but nothing was working & I spent all week circling & questioning. My mind has been in overdrive & I’m petrified of manifesting something I desperately don’t want to happen simply because I can’t stop thinking about it. 

On Saturday I saw K for the first time since the Monday. I hadn’t really heard from him all week as he had his mother come visit & stay & now looking back I realise that was the root of my discontent – not that his mother was staying but that I wasn’t hearing from him. Anyway, we had hoped to go out on the Saturday but the weather turned (as per English form) so we decided to grab a salad box from the supermarket & have a sofa day. It was a lovely day just chilling & watching films. It’s been so long since I’ve allowed myself to do that & not feel guilty. Well, I did feel a bit guilty at the time but I have since come to appreciate it. We went out for dessert a bit later & then I took him back mid evening. It was so nice to see him again & just lie next to him. If anything, since he’s moved out, that’s what I miss the most; feeling him close & being able to hear his heartbeat. 

We had planned on me going over on Sunday to maybe stay but I forgot about Sunday trading hours & needing petrol so I said I’d go over on the Monday evening instead. We had both got stuck into our respective projects over the weekend; he working on a film score he’d been approached to do, of which the deadline is fast approaching, & I started stripping the wallpaper in the spare room. As a result we both lost track of time on Monday & before we knew it, it was too late. So instead we settled for a quick visit when I finished work yesterday. Again, it was so nice to see him & just have a hug. 

I imagine this week will be very much like the last as his dad is visiting from Thailand. I am determined not to let my mind run away from me this time though. I have to remember how busy he is; how many projects & commitments he has at the moment & that there is only so much time in the day & he can only give so much of himself at any one time – with everything he has on his plate currently I need to remember it is not personal & it will not always be this way. 

So far this week though I am feeling more positive. Spending time with K on Saturday really helped, & seeing him yesterday albeit briefly. Also, my progress in the spare room has given me a real lift; in 3 days I have stripped 90% of the wallpaper in the spare room, including the ceiling. It was tough going with what seemed like 7 layers of paper, including 2 that were painted! It must have been every layer of redecoration that room has had since the property was built in the late 1930’s! Therapeutic though & satisfying to have done so much so quickly! 🙂 

Having reflected & read this back I realise how after not really hearing from K & not seeing him sends my mind into overdrive but as soon as I see him I go back to feeling better & being productive. I guess I’m still looking for some reassurance no matter how many times I tell myself what will be will be & I will be fine.

I have clearly not been able to completely relinquish my fear of losing K & struggle to keep my mind focused on myself (in the sense of my personal growth & inner strength). I bought a journal which came today & has really fired up my motivation & focus – perfect timing too with the 1st of the month tomorrow; that’ll keep my OCD happy! It is designed to be a mindful & reflective tool for self love, & thus personal growth & happiness. It is called Love.Yourself.Lean & I would recommend it to anyone & everyone already. I am planning to completely embrace the #selflove movement & use my journal to encourage me to keep focused on me. After all, if I can’t love me how can I truly love anyone else & expect true love in return? 

Realisation & Reflection

I’m amazed at how productive I have become, & been, since K moved out & we talked. We are still together & I am starting to feel slightly more secure. It’s not easy to keep the negative & doubtful thoughts at bay but I am learning to redirect my thinking in either a positive direction or focusing on something else; I’ve found podcasts help to dispel the inner chatter if it becomes overbearing. 

I feel like things have really changed between us for the better, even though it feels like we are doing things somewhat backwards having lived together & now not. There were practical reasons for him to move out, like needing to occupy his flat until it’s sold, as his brother had moved out & therefore left the flat unoccupied, but underlying that was the need to give each other space & time. Both of us had met at a time when we were working on ourselves having been through a bad & dark time. Neither of us were looking for love or anyone to be with; it just happened. However, because we had also literally just met, we didn’t know each other either. He moved in after we’d been together for about 6 months & so living together became a huge learning curve for us both. It was tough & I’m sure most couples would not have stuck it out for so long. Every one who I would speak to would say it wasn’t working, & I’m sure he was being told the same, but we both know deep down we both want the same & that we both have a lot of personal issues to work through, & cannot do it living together – or at least not in what was my marital home. Neither of us wish to live in this house & in turn it brought oppression & negativity to our relationship. 

Many times both of us have thought & said we should go our separate ways however we both want this relationship to work. We both want certain things from ourselves on a personal level that the other wants to be with (if that makes sense). We both have a lot in common & a great connection; a connection that was instant & what brought us together. We can both see we could have something very special but at the moment we have to focus on ourselves & our own personal growth. 

I found it difficult to adjust to the new direction our relationship was going; scared we wouldn’t work & I was clutching at straws. I was listening to an episode of The Overwhelmed Brain podcast which talked about emotional neediness (I have mentioned this before & I must say it was somewhat of a eureka moment listening to it) & in that episode he was talking about the difference in approaching a relationship from love & fear. Since that day I have been mindfully releasing my fears; what will be will be. As soon as a doubtful thought or a sense of fear overcomes me I try & visualise us together from a place of love whilst at the same time remembering I will survive & move on if it is indeed what is meant to be. 

In doing so however I feel I am lighter when we’re together & I’m having less doubts during the times that I don’t hear from him when we’re apart. It feels like our relationship has blossomed & is making me realise what I need to work on – which always helps. I have also stopped wasting my time staring at my phone waiting for him to contact me or wondering if he’s posted anything in any social media; stalking basically. I am now able to get on with things that I have needed or wanted to do & things finally feel like they are moving forward. I am now focused again in the house & getting that ready to put on the market, & it feels good. I feel like I have rearranged my priorities back to how they were when we met which feels somewhat empowering. 

To a degree it was good to have the distraction of a new relationship, a) for the break from the painful & intense internal work but b) to be able to now realise some of my issues that affect my relationships. I am a strong believer in the first obstacle being self realisation; you can be told something until others are blue in the face, but until you realise, accept or believe it yourself nothing will change.  

Daunting Days

I have been able to keep the productive momentum going but the past few days I have struggled to keep my thoughts at bay, feeling anxious, insecure & lonely. I have tried to busy myself clearing out the spare room so I can start decorating, playing podcast after podcast to try & keep my thoughts focused. There comes a point though when I just want some peace & quiet but as soon as I turn off the external noise, the internal raucous kicks in. 

I have not been able to go on social media as much as I may have liked today because every post by everyone seems to be about babies, children, family or loved ones. It makes me feel down & wonder what happened to all my dreams; makes me wonder where my life has gone & how little I have to show for it. What I have done (or haven’t done as the case may be), & then my mind starts spinning at the thought that time is running out. I am a divorced 32 year old, living on my own wondering if the person I am now in a relationship with is in fact as committed as I would like to believe, knowing where I am living currently is far from where I want to be. I start panicking though at the thought of what & where next once I sell this godforsaken house; & the prospect of going alone daunts the hell out of me!

See, I had dreams & goals; I was going to move from dreary, damp, grey England back “home” to Maui, Hawaii – where I had lived & grown up for my primary years. I was going to live with my Dad for some time & then find my own roots somewhere. It was never my intention to stay, what I consider abroad, but for a good portion of my life at least. I knew I would always come back to England, to be in the same country as my Mom eventually. 

Now, my Dad lives in Belize; somewhere I have no connection to & would only like to visit. There is no longer a deep yearn to live back on Maui – it feels like there is nothing there for me anymore. There is however still a deep yearn to live somewhere where the sun shines & the weather is nothing to be complained about. 

Alongside all this is the fear of going alone; that never featured in my plans. Had it done I’d probably be living out of a bikini & shorts every day by now. It used to but then I put it all on hold for my then fiancé so we could set up a life together. He never gave me any impression this was not what he wanted, if anything he seemed to want it just as much as me. There was always a reason we couldn’t go though; mainly his grandparents & not wanting to ‘leave’ them in their last years. 

Year after year would pass by & before I knew it he was walking out on me to pursue a relationship with a Puerto Rican & is now planning to move out there. Now, I am trapped with a house & mortgage, desperate to sell up but stubborn about getting as much as I can from the property & therefore unwilling to put it on the market until I’ve decorated & modernised. I feel it would be cutting my nose off to spite my face if I did. I do however feel certain I will get away from dreary middle earth but at the moment I cannot think about it. 

Spaghetti Junction Brain

I don’t know what to write. Seriously. The amount of thoughts going through my head about what I want to write about; what I want to get off my chest is too much. If you could capture my thoughts in a visual they would look like a the CCTV of spaghetti junction at rush hour on fast forward, & repeat. 

I want to write about my relationship but I also want to write about my past & life so far, I want to write about my plans for the house, & my plans for this year, & my plans for the future, I want to write about my personal growth & realisations, I want to write about what I am struggling with on a daily level but also on a deeper level, I want to write about my issues, I want to write about my beliefs. 

Instead I am writing about all the things I want to write about because I can’t put any of my thoughts in any sort of coherent manner. I start with one thing & my mind’s suddenly off on some tangent. Thoughts like lemmings; we’re all going great & then one turns off & suddenly the whole line is going a different way completely. They race through my head faster than I can grasp. It’s like I’m stood watching them all in a blur fly through my brain &, if I’m lucky enough to catch one, it’s like grabbing them with one of the arcade grabbers that have no grip; you think you’ve got it before the prize suddenly drops midair. 

Trying to keep my mind & thoughts on a particular issue, thing or subject is like herding cats!! 

Persistent Productivity

Hell yeah!!💪 Today was another awesomely productive day!! Even more so than yesterday but that’s here nor there. The front & back gardens are looking so much better. They’re no competition entry at the Chelsea Flower Show, or any comparison to either next door neighbour, but they are looking much tidier & that’s all that counts. I ache like hell but I guess this is one of those no pain, no gain times. It does feel good to have got my body moving again though. I must have an early night otherwise I am not getting up for work tomorrow! I wish I’d have booked the whole week off but issues with work is a whole different blog post on its own!

Along with doing the garden I kept the momentum going when I came indoors to make dinner – I was flaking fast & knew I needed to eat otherwise that would be the end of my day. Not something I haven’t done before, go without food, but it’s time to turn things around! I had eggs on toast this morning with a cheeky couple of tiny pieces of cheese on toast, then I had a bowl of raspberries, strawberries & grapes with cherry yogurt for lunch finished with battered for, chips & peas for dinner. That, my friends, is a massive step forward considering I was on my own all day. While I waited for my dinner to cook I vacuumed the stairs & landing, & started to do downstairs until the battery ran out of charge. It is somewhat of both annoyance & a joy when it dies. 

Once I’d eaten I decided to run a bath & now here I am, say on the sofa, writing this. I feel so satisfied with what I have achieved over the last 2 days, but especially today. I am going to now settle down for an early night ready for a new day tomorrow. 

Lastly, today I am grateful for the sun shining again which gave me the boost I need as well as the perfect conditions to do some much needed gardening. I am also, as always, grateful for K who got me into eating fruit & fish. They were nonexistent in my diet prior to meeting him. 

Happy Days

Another good day

Has come my way

My spirits lifted off the ground 

Que happy dance

This is my chance

To turn things around

Positivity & Productivity

It has been a productive day! I am really pleased with what I have achieved today, even if it is only a small detail, it is more than I have done for a while now. 
I have been stuck in a depression which I was unaware I was entering until I hit rock bottom. It has effected the most important things to me; my relationship with my partner & the personal growth I was doing at the time we met. The excitement of a new relationship sent us both spiralling back to destructive ways. We have managed to talk through things together & he has moved back out to try & give us both the head space we need & elliviate the intensity. I am still not 100% sure ‘what’ we are; in a relationship or just friends but I’m trying not to overthink the whole thing. I found a podcast which has already started to help me – The Overwhelmed Brain. Also The Anxiety Guy, but I’m finding I am listening to The Overwhelmed Brain more so. I shall write more on my insights from that but let’s just say for now that I am approaching whatever kind of relationship this is between us from a place of love & kindness rather than fear & negativity. Already I am noticing a difference! I hope with all my heart we can make this work between us; that we both grow as individuals whilst staying close to each other & eventually come together again as a unit. 

Anyway, back to my day….

I have been struggling to find any motivation to do the smallest of tasks & have found myself spend days on end just ruminating on all the things I need to do or should do, or should have already done, until the day is out. I would take myself up to bed every night telling myself tomorrow would be a new day & I would get on with all the things I had spent the day thinking about. It was a debilitating cycle. 

However, today I feel I have loosened the chains, I have cracked open the door & there is a glimmer of light shining through. It started out very much like every other when I’m not at work. I had a shower, but decided to put a podcast on to break the silence & focus my mind. I decided to walk to the supermarket, which was nice & did get me going a bit but once I got back home I was in my usual nothing routine. Although still chilly, the sun was shining which always helps matters. I would go in & out, standing or sitting outside, but not knowing what to do I’d go back inside to see if anything grasped me. Nothing, so back outside I’d go. This went on for a couple hours until I thought I’d have a nap to try & shake the nothing. My naps always end up longer than I plan on but today was only an hour (that’s short in comparison to most other days). I got up & mulled around a bit more. By this time the day had really heated up; it was stunning outside. I was stood outside drinking my coffee & smoking when something suddenly spurred me on to clear the back patio. It had been driving me nuts for a while with all the stones, cigarette butts & general collection of dirt around & in between the pots; it was looking a disgrace. I was embarrassed for others to see it. So I grabbed a bucket, broom, dustpan & brush & cleared the lot out, rearranging the pots that still carried life & putting those that didn’t to one side to either be used or emptied & donated. Admittedly that has now creates a pile of crap in the one corner to either be taken to the tip or charity shop, but from the patio door it looks so much better! 

It feels so good to have a) done something productive with my day & b) to actually have the patio finally cleared up & looking half decent. It feels like I have taken a real step forward & I want to continue with the momentum. I hope I can take it through into tomorrow & the next day, & the next day, until what is currently the norm becomes a thing of the past. As much as I can remember how good I feel after getting something done or being productive, it’s never really been able to motivate me to stop thinking, get off by butt & do whatever of the numerous things I’ve thought I should do. I’m hoping with such a clear visual space, that I have created today, it will help me order my thoughts a little better & enable me to decide on what to do when I’m not at work. 

Later this evening I went out for dinner. It was my partner’s (well, I think he’s my partner the way he still calls me babe & we hug & kiss, but so not to muddy the waters maybe I should refer to him as K). So, it was K’s birthday today & we went out for a meal when he finished work. It was so nice to see him again & after our talk last night, & some realisations & insights on my part, things feel so much less pressured already. There is still a long way to go but I am so glad he was able to enjoy his day & I could be a part of that for him. It was great to get out of the house again & we had a lovely evening together. Overall, today has been a good day & I am pleased with my achievements; emotionally, mentally & practically. 

One last thing before I leave; I am grateful for finding that podcast as it has already opened my eyes to a lot of personal issues & gives practical advice. I am grateful for the sun that shone today which gave me the boost to do something outside & thus I now have a clean & clear patio to sit on. & Lastly, I am grateful for K who has taught me a lot about myself & also introduced me to the world of podcasts; without him I’d have probably never found the assistance I needed so quickly!