Moving Forward Positively

I have spent a lot of time over the last couple of days thinking about the various causes from my past that have shaped me to be who I am today. I am struggling with the concept of not dwelling on them & thus the past compared to ‘working through it all’ in order to heal from them. I have dredged it all up, shared it all for the world to see in my first blog, & had gotten to a place of acceptance of who I was. My past is my past; there is nothing I can do to change it & it makes me who I am. However, it still brings me pain & negative feelings when I do think about it, thus fading my positivity in that moment & making me wonder if I have fully healed from everything, or if the anger & ill feeling ever goes? 

I also become deeply saddened to think the person I loved & believed would support me to continue to heal brought me back to my destructive ways by feeding my insecurities even when I tried to explain to him what I was struggling with & why. I wasn’t strong enough to back out when warning signals were appearing & fought to hold on. It was around this time last year that I remember telling him I felt broken & pushed to the edge. I hung on to his words but over time my grip got tighter & we pushed each other away. Behind all that however I can still see we could have something so amazing as there is a deep connection & understanding that I feel is between us. We both have a lot of thorns that need fighting through but an abundance of roses to be discovered. 

As saddened as I become when I think back though, I feel I have turned a page & am starting to lose the black cloud that’s been hanging over me – for a good while now. It is allowing me to see things a lot clearer again. In actual fact I didn’t realise how long things had been so murky! There are some painful home truths that I am coming to realise but I’m finding it much easier to come to a place of acceptance as well. I have been doing a lot of meditation which seems to be helping me to achieve this as well as identify the false beliefs, triggers, patterns & causes. It is providing me with some insight & allowing me to be more mindful of my thoughts & responses now. I have also come to approach this as a lifelong ‘recovery’, whereas before I wanted an end date & I actually feel an enormous amount of pressure lifted that I didn’t realise I’d put myself under. A clear example of being too hard on myself; as K always used to say but I could never see it or understand how I was being hard on myself. 

It is difficult to not think about my past & dwell on it as well as not to feel down about no longer being in a relationship with K however I am mustering up every ounce of strength to keep a positive outlook & redirecting my main focus on myself in the here & now. So far I am holding up. 

Avoiding The N Word

Positive positive positive. Maybe if I say it enough I’ll be positively bursting with positive positivity. 

Positive! Positive! Positive!

Bleugh!!! 

Focus on the positives; I’ve had a nice lunch out with family, I feel excited about learning something new (& I found mushroom shaped supplies!), I spent almost an hour colouring & filling in my journal & have had somewhat of a relaxing, recharging day. 

When I think about everything that I need & should do though I feel completely overwhelmed, not knowing where to start or what to do first. When I don’t do anything, like today, it makes me feel frustrated. I know days like this are needed & if someone was saying to me they had too much to do & not enough time to rest or play, I would tell them that those times are needed to recharge & regroup; it can’t be all work & no play. I wish I would listen to my own advice. 

Positive positive positive… I’ve said it too much & now it’s lost sense & sounds ridiculous!! Maybe I should just go to bed. Tomorrow is a new day n’all that… I’ll put my positive pants on tomorrow. 

Realisations Leading To A Positive Turnaround

Penny drop time; if I keep focusing on my situation in a negative light & writing in a negative tone I will stay in this negative mindset I so desperately want to leave! Obvious, I know, but sometimes the fog obscures the obvious. 

I have a number of positive things going on for me at the moment:-

1. The spare room is being decorated meaning I can soon move in there to use it as a bedroom, having a new space to hopefully feel like I can breathe in & allowing me to move on with what is now the bedroom. That will then be upstairs complete (bar the landing). 

2. The kitchen has also been started. The space that needs doing is only small & simple touch ups. Once it’s done the kitchen is another completed room.  

3. I am slowly getting the back garden in to shape too. 

4. I am going to New Mexico to see my sister in a couple of weeks for her wedding – that I actually thought would never happen due to funds. 

5. The weather has been beautiful & I will be back in the guaranteed sunshine & warmth in a couple of weeks!

6. I am getting back on track with my eating & feel really good about my progress. 

7. I am decluttering & moving things on that I no longer need or want. 

8. I am beginning to get a little drive back to do fun, creative things. 

9. I have a house that I am making my own & my two kitty munchkins to keep me company, & eventually I can be proud of the house knowing I have had a hand in increasing its value to invest in the next chapter of my life. 

10. I am lucky & privileged to have such supporting parents who help me as much as they do.

I wanted to find 10 things to be grateful & positive about although admittedly struggled for the last couple🙈 

I have turned my focus back to my journal though & am trying to engage with the online community around it, which encourages & supports. Although it is very early days & yesterday was a bad day, today I have started to find it a bit easier to move on. My mind isn’t so consumed with K although as soon as I think about him, like now having just written that, I am filled with a sense of sadness & that there is something missing. Again, why I must only concentrate on what is positive in my life presently, & thinking about him is not a positive place to be for me at the moment due to the overwhelming feeling of missing him & the sadness of what could have been. 

So, moving on…. It’s time to only think positively (or at least make a concerted effort to!) Today I have been both productive & kind to myself. I did a bit of general housework. I pulled out a large travel bag that I have been meaning to go through of everything holiday related & intend to carry on doing some more decluttering in that department. I emptied a whole unit of paraphernalia that I no longer use, want or need anymore – although admittedly I have no idea what I’m going to do with it all other than take it down the tip. I also rearranged my Alice in wonderland ornaments onto the bookshelf & set up my sewing machine on the top the ornaments came from, meaning it is now out of the box & available. 

While keeping busy I listened to some music (which is a big step for me; I get too frustrated not knowing what to put on that I just stopped bothering. I must be thankful to K for talking me into signing up to Apple music & downloading stuff. I took his advice & now just shuffle the damn lot! We go from Disturbed to Disney to Sublime to The Beach Boys & everything in between!😆) I also listened to a few podcasts, finishing the one I couldn’t finish last night due to being in a dark headspace & the nature of the podcast. Another thing I am grateful to K for; I would never have contemplated them before meeting him! I had a short nap in the afternoon – & didn’t feel guilty! & now I am sat, writing this while I have a cup of tea & wait for my bath to run. It feels like a good day 🙃 

Weekend Woes

Today I cried on my way in to work. The feeling of loneliness & isolation washed over me & I was completely overwhelmed. It hasn’t really left me all day & now I’m back home & I am engulfed by it. Literally drowning in tears of despair. It’s Friday night & once again I am sat in at home, on my own with nowhere to go & not feeling like I can call on anyone. 

I tried to listen to one of my podcasts but the guest was a life long friend & I just broke down. Why do people fade away from me? Is it me? Is it something I do, or don’t do? I know I like my space & at the moment am also very mindful of my dire financial situation which stops me from going out all the time but not even K wanted to be around me or have me come out with him when we were together. I also am aware of how much of a a social dunce I am & that I have deep seated social anxiety issues but when I met K I was actually trying for the first time to put myself out there & find friends I could hang out with. We met at a tarot club meet up so I really wasn’t looking for anything but friendship, however he stole my heart & the connection we appeared to have seemed to be too special to not fight my feelings for him. Suddenly I wasn’t just me when he introduced to his friends, I was his girlfriend & there was always that separation between me & them. K wanted me to have my own friends & any spare time I had I wanted to spend with K so the whole “putting myself out there to find friends” had diminished along with my confidence. 

Now I am back to square one, hitting rock bottom again, feeling utterly depressed & isolated. This time though everything feels so much more desolate; I don’t know what I want to do anymore, or where I want to be & I don’t feel like I have any purpose to my life anymore. I always said I would travel, go live back home in Hawaii for a while, have a child when I was 30 & none of it has happened. I can’t shake the feeling of ‘what’s the point?’ & it’s destroying me inside. 

Another fun weekend to look forward to! I guess I should just be thankful my dad & the plasterer are continuing with the house this weekend as the sooner I can get out of here the better! Although I have no idea where to go from here I think my best bet is to just spin the globe & go wherever my finger stops. There is nothing keeping me here & I need to get away from my parents at least for a while. Not only that, the English weather grates on me. They keep saying the best weather is on the east coast & north Devon so I guess it’s always something to consider but I will still keep my options open. Part of me feels like anywhere in this country is not far enough or nice enough weather-wise. 

Moving Towards Positivity

It’s been such a stunning weekend; a glorious run up to summer solstice! I am glad the weather has been as beautiful as it’s been otherwise I think I may have struggled a lot more in myself. I have tried to remain busy & productive, which has been helped having dad come & move the spare room along. I have fought to stay upbeat though & when I hear laughter from outside as someone walks past I can’t help but think how nice it would be to be out enjoying company of others. There’s no one to call upon though. 

I got a message from a couple of friends I used to work with saying it was about time we met up, but one is coming up to the very end of her master’s so cannot meet up until the 5th of July – the day I go away for my sister’s wedding. The reply from the other was “we’ll have to do something in August”. Great. It’s like a while back when it was super nice I text K knowing he was out & said I’d love to be in a beer garden instead of work (I had about an hour or so left). His reply; “there’ll be plenty of time for that in the summer”. Great; I’ll wait some more so I can go out & do something. Or I’m back to doing things on my own, which never happens because I’m too anxious to just go out, & even if I did I’d never meet anyone who I would keep in touch with & be friends with. Does that even happen? I guess maybe if you kept going to the same place but I don’t go out enough as it even if I did keep going to the same place. I don’t know. 

I also live in such an isolated area to those I know & am in touch with (just about) to just pop out & meet up, or again just go out for that matter. I’d love to be able to step out the door, walk down the road & be somewhere social & vibrant. Somewhere with life & joy spilling from its doors that may have like-minded people to mingle with. 

I am looking forward to having a coffee with my friend who does my nails. We’ve sorted it so that I’ll be her last client on occasion so we can go for coffee afterwards. Silly we haven’t done it that way before but as there’s quite a way for me to drive I’ve always opted for the morning appointment to give me the rest of the day when I get home. It will be nice though, when I’m not with my mom, to have something else to go for other than to just get my nails done. It’s a lovely town & has a beautiful park area along the river. Somewhere I have always said to K we should go to, especially if I’m going there to get my nails done, but not once has he joined me. Always with the question “What would I do while you’re getting your nails done!?” Ummm I’m not that long! Maybe window shopping, find a bench or sit in a coffee shop & read or play on your phone. Seriously I’m not that long! It was something I mentioned to him that my ex never did & funnily enough he gave the same response. Is it so bad to go somewhere where I have an appointment & then spend some time there together? 

I am trying to move on though otherwise I’ll have no hope of embracing any kind of self love. Difficult but got to be done. Today I have focused more on my journal & plan to do some yoga shortly before I have a shower. I also decided to lay out in the garden for a bit & enjoy the sun when I got back from work. The spare room is more or less plastered to completion, there may just be a few touch up areas but we won’t know until it’s dried. Hopefully I’ll be able to start painting it by the weekend of this weather stays like it is! The plasterer is such a great guy! He certainly doesn’t mess around & is planning on coming back up tomorrow evening to start the kitchen! Honestly, the way he’s blasting through everything I feel confident I could get upstairs done by the end of the year! The kitchen is minimal & although I wasn’t looking to do that until one of the last jobs but it will be nice to have completed. Once it’s done, it’s done then! 

The progress makes me happy but I cannot think too much about what I am going to do or where I am going to go after as I don’t know & the not knowing is something that really bothers me. I’ve always known. I am aiming to use this time I have now, while I focus on getting the house up to selling standard, to come to a place of self love & acceptance. I just hope I can stay strong! 

Unbearable Pain

I’m in so much pain. I can’t see any joy any more. K & I are no more & I am dying inside. I’m not sure I can cope with the pain but I can’t cope with the thought of what I’d do to my parents if I ended the pain, so I must live with it, along with the self hatred. How on earth am I meant to find any love for myself when I’m dying inside!? 

I desperately want to end this pain & not feel anything anymore. I am hiding away in the kitchen so the neighbours can’t hear me sobbing but I’m scared to be in here with everything so available to end this pain. 

How can I rebuild a life when I don’t feel like I had one in the first place? What is there to ‘rebuild’? As K said; everyone has left me & moved on. What the fuck is wrong with me!? 

Knowing Where I Stand

Not sure why I bothered. After all the crap I have received in the past, I would still respond & accept the apology when one was sent. Now the tables have turned, I am not provided with the same understanding or forgiveness. After all the verbal abuse I would still try to approach him with love & kindness, forgiveness & understanding because if I was in a bad place I would hope the same would be offered to me. As difficult as it was, I tried to move on & understand it was a lapse of self control. I am clearly a pushover; someone who will accept a torrent of abuse & still forgive, hoping there won’t be a next time & that I will be met with the same forgiveness. 

I was trying to say to K when I snapped that I don’t feel like he has time for me – not even a quick text message reply & I was told not to argue with him as we are less likely to make up now we don’t live together. No time for me; only when he needs or wants something it seems. I feel awful saying this but it’s how it feels. He probably sees it very differently to me, like I have seen some things very differently to him, but after he has explained his point of view etc I will always take the time to consider this & understand where he is coming from. However, I feel like I am not afforded the same consideration. 
After our ‘talk’ & he told me he had a lot of learning & growing to do, especially around self control, I felt like there was hope for us. I knew, & still know, we both have issues we need to work on but recently I have felt like I have embraced this journey I am on & he isn’t – the lack of communication & contact is preventing me from really talking to him because I don’t want to bring the mood down & our interactions now feel forced because I have so much on my mind & noone to talk to who I trust. He immediately takes offence thinking it is about him & has in turn made me worry which exasperates the problem. 

As much as I love him & see something special, I am not sure he feels the same which tears me up inside. We could have something so incredible; as I see it, we are cut from the same cloth & can understand & relate to each other on a completely different level to most but we are both stuck. It sometimes feels like I turned to him & he turned away. I wish I could say all this to him without fearing what will follow. I must make it clear though – he has never & will never physically touch me, that I trust, & I the same, but I know we both have tongues that can slash like a samurai when we get riled up, which can sometimes be worse that a smack; it digs in to your memory & eats away at your soul as the words spin round your head like a haunted carousel. 

I guess though I should take this as a clear indication of where I stand with him. The uncertainty & anxiety is killing me inside so in order to pursue this self love malarkey I need to get to a place of certainty, & if that’s not with K I must accept that, as painful & hard as it is. 

Message To The Controller

Dear Ms Amygdala, 

I would appreciate very much if you could stop trying to control my thoughts. My emotions are not a merry-go-round for you to spin out of control at your whim & fancy. You are messing with my life & relationships. You are fiddling & pressing all the wrong buttons just for the hell of it & quite frankly putting us both in danger. 

So, if you would be so gracious as to take your foot off the accelerator & step out of the driving seat that would be most appreciated. Your grip is getting too tight & it’s time to let go before you veer us off track completely. 

Thanking you

Time To Accept

When do you know enough is enough?

How to you know it’ll always be this tough?

When do you know to draw the line in the sand

When do you know it’s time to release their hand? 
When hurt outweighs the joy, my friend 

You must accept it’s come to an end

Wonder As I Wander

Wandering around the house at night 

Wondering all that may or might

Wanting to turn back the hands of time 

Wanting to do more than write this rhyme 

Wandering around the house alone 

Wondering thoughts turn my heart to stone 

Wanting everything to stay the same

Wanting the sun to come dry the rain

Wandering around with nowhere to go 

Wondering how things got so low

Wanting to turn on the lights inside

Wanting to get off this godforsaken ride