Ex’s For A Reason

So today I found out exactly where I stand with K; firmly behind him & anyone else who, I guess, he feels is more fun to be with at any given time. As he said in his own words; “no one comes before me” & “I am an alcoholic”. 

We were having a great time, or so I thought. Admittedly I did wonder why he wanted to push the time back to meet up & now I realise he just wanted longer drinking with his brother & mates. When I arrived he was half gone already, having been drinking since 3. We met at 7.30. I joined him & one of his brother’s friends where we seemed to be having a good time. I was finding things to say & being sociable; it felt like old times again. Eventually it was just K & I, so we finished our drinks & headed for some food. We went to a nice place where we had a cocktail & a mixture of sides. Things were good. 

When we finished he got in touch with his brother & before I knew it he was talking about walking me back to my car before going to meet his brother at another pub. He had said earlier about going back to his after food, how he had work & had to get up early, how if I wanted to I could stay. I was confused. I didn’t really want to stay out any longer, I couldn’t drink anymore as I had to drive home & was hoping we could finish the evening off together.

Having voiced my slight confusion & that I was fine to walk back to my car he changed his mind & said he’d go back. Now, writing this I’m wondering whether the lift home changed his mind more than anything else, or is that just being cynical? We got back & he invited me in, but not in the sense as suggested earlier & then proceeded to tell me his brother would be over shortly. 5 minutes later & the door knocks. Heyho, it was nice to see him again, although he did seem a bit guarded when I opened the door to him. We seemed to be having a decent time talking, listening to music & having a general laugh. His brother kept getting calls though which would kill the conversation, even between K & I. After a while however I realised the time & had to make a move. I didn’t want to but responsibilities put paid to that. 

All night I kept trying to push out my head how things went last month when he was going to come to a gig with me only to pull out a couple of hours before we were going to meet up. I had heard all about how he had been doing this & going there, & I can’t deny I felt a little saddened by finding out after the event. Not that he went or even that he went without me but just knowing he has moved on so much that he doesn’t want to tell me what he has planned, or that I don’t hear from him to see if I may want to go – even just as a friend; after all he said he didn’t want to lose me from his life & I have always tried to not overthink what he means by that, but he seems to be doing everything to push me out of his life. It also crossed my mind that he seems to always say he can’t afford to do what I suggest but had said that he’d increased his overdraft so he can do all these other things he’d done. 

So, anyway, as I was leaving I noticed a ticket for one of his favourite artists a week after we were going to see one of mine & pointed it out. I must have been obvious in my reaction as he looked at me funny & before I knew it I was saying how let down I felt about him bailing on me, the excuse he gave, that I now know where I stand etc. That is when he responded that no one comes before him; he lives for himself only & that he is an alcoholic, with a shrug of the shoulders. My heart shattered & all I could do was walk away before my face crumbled. I guess he at least recognises & admits he is an alcoholic; something I had started to worry about & tried to point it out to him, knowing when we met he was in some form of recovery – although I don’t think he ever really told me the whole truth in relation to this & I am now only just learning the extent of it. 

I feel broken & used. Abandoned & disrespected. Hopefully my heart will finally let go now after this evening. As he used to say; we’re all ex’s for a reason….

Don’t Realise What You’ve Got Until It’s Gone

Finally! I may have actual, dedicated support coming in the very near future with an advertisement going out for that specific role! I have been screaming out for support since the beginning of the year, & asking for it well before then. I have always been told something will be put in place. I go on leave for 2 weeks, leaving it in as much of a manageable state as I can for my colleague to cover me but only being given a day to refresh/retrain her. There is a step by step manual which desperately needs updating however I haven’t had the opportunity to do so for obvious reasons. 

Whenever I do go off there always seems to be something that happens. I’m not sure if it’s a coincidence or a reflection of what I deal with on a daily basis that no one seems to realise however it’s always like walking into a pen of headless chickens when I get back from any time off (which has been a maximum of a week for over 2 years & they wonder why I don’t feel like I can take any chunk of time off!?) I feel like I’m blowing my own trumpet saying all this but I’m really not meaning to. Ever since my full-time colleague left, over a year ago, I have been trying to hold it up on my own with the promises that “plans will be put in place for support”. I know I built a rod for my own back in being too accommodating but it’s not like I haven’t voiced my issues & if I didn’t pick up the shortfall the service would grind to a halt. I am not surprised it’s taken this long though when it’s taken the service almost 3 years (maybe more) to go from printing individual name cards for attendees to instead getting everyone to write their own name on a wipeable laminated card; an idea I had when name cards were introduced & have been saying ever since knowing how much card & ink, not to mention time was being wasted. Anyway, that’s a different story. 

However, instead of being off for 2 weeks I ended up having 3 weeks off due to catching some flu virus while travelling back home. Obviously no one was prepared for me to have the extra time off, & neither was I! To put the cherry on top, during the time I was off there appears to have been a complete influx of conference requests. Needless to say I have returned to everything I was expecting tenfold. So therefore, what I was hoping & expecting to do to catch up from my time away is buried under a mountain of other priorities! 

What has tipped the scale from “plans will be put in place” to “we are going to recruit” is the fact that the person covering me went on leave the day I was supposed to return (another common occurrence whenever I take time off so I never get a proper handover on my return & end up having to pick needles out of a haystack to get back up to speed). This meant that management had to pick up the work & in doing so they have realised what exactly is involved, how tedious the role really is & how unfair it is to only have 1 person undertaking it. They would always say it was poor business practice only having 1 person undertaking the role anyway in case anything ever happened to me but not until they do it themselves do they realise the urgency! 

Hoo-friggin-rah!!!! There is light at the end of the tunnel, albeit a while away, but nonetheless it is bright!! Maybe me being ill has been a blessing in disguise… 

Pen To Paper

I wish I had stayed longer with K. Why did I leave so soon!? I didn’t want to leave but I didn’t want to keep him knowing he was going to play badminton with his brother & probably had things to do. I was also conscious that when I arrived he was not ready as I had received his message too late asking to meet up later. I still wish I had stayed longer! Why do I always get this sense of intruding on people & not wanting to outstay my welcome all the time? Couple of hours & I begin to worry, begin to get anxious that I’m getting in the way. I guess I have a cold though & would feel awful if I passed it on. 

It was so good to see him & hear his voice, even if only for a few hours, & I didn’t want to let go when I gave him a hug. I guess time will only tell if we are meant to be together. 

On a different note, I feel better about myself & where I’m going in life. A few things have started to mentally click in to place for me & I’m getting a clearer picture of the direction I want to go. I started with writing a list of where I want to be (thinking physically/geographically), I then went on to write a list of things that make me who I am, what I love & need in life & then a list of what I want to do. I wrote everything down as it came to me without thinking about it & it has helped me to get a clearer idea of who I am, what I need & which direction to go. 

This weekend has been a good one for me mentally, I feel. Even though my body is burnt out & still full of plane lurgie, & I haven’t done half as much as I could have done around the house, I have been brainstorming & the fog is now starting to clear – & having seen & heard from K I can stop doubting myself & just trust in visualisation, time & space. 

I’m not looking forward to going back to work, especially having the extra unplanned days off, & I can only hope support will be forthcoming! I’ve heard it all before when I’ve had time off so, again, I can only hope however I know it certainly won’t be by tomorrow! I need to focus on getting a new job pronto! For now though I need my bed! It still feels like a luxury at the moment having only slept in one twice in the 2 weeks I was away! Not complaining, but I am now grateful for a bed to sleep on! 

The Land Of Enchantment

My sister & I went around Santa Fe town while her wife went for brunch with a couple of her friends. The town was so beautiful & steeped in so much history. In fact, they have the oldest settlement buildings in the country!! There is a real mixed vibe of Mexican & Native American culture which is fascinating, & I just love how all the buildings blend in to the landscape so when driving past they are not intrusive to the landscape. It was also very nice to have the one on one time with my sister; something we haven’t had for years. We went for brunch before walking around & it was so refreshing to see the variety on the menu with the different combinations. I got to see the market where the Native Americans set out their handmade wares & bought a couple of gifts. My sister also took me to a mineral & crystal shop where I added more to my collection…

The following day we made our way to Gila National Forest to camp at the hotsprings. I was actually really excited to get here & the people who we are camping with are so kind & welcoming. The drive there was incredible! Nothing like I had ever seen before; from mountain & rock formations to towns & even dust devils. The geology is something else, & to think they get snow too! It took a good 5 hours to get to the campsite from Santa Fe but oh so worth the drive! We were taken through forests, down windy roads, past old ranch towns & over lakes & creeks. Once we arrived there was an amazing feeling of being in complete wilderness & surrounded by natural beauty. Our camp was right next to the creek which was just beautiful & we were able to spread out & have the whole section to ourselves. We then had fire pits dotted between our camps, which was great, although we stuck with the one by the creek. After a while you could watch the flames in the dark dance to the sound of the water which was just mesmerising. 

Camping was blissful & has made me realise where I need to be. Not camping, not out in the back of beyond but simply in the sun & nothing or no one is getting in my way this time!! I will not let anyone hold me back & I have come to realise my worth – & it is certainly not to be shot down. I am worth more than the abuse I have been handed over the years, even up to recent times. I have been too forgiving & it stops here. I intend to leave my doormat behind me & refuse to be trampled all over anymore. I have been shown that I do have the ability to have fun with others & am accepted for who I am & not how people think I should be. I’ve had fun, I’ve partied, I’ve cried & I’ve been able to be true to myself without worrying what is being thought of me. Everyone has included me & I’ve done things I thought I’d never do. 

I am so sad to be leaving & the only thing that is keeping me from staying is my cats & a degree of loyalty to my job, not to mention the investment I would be throwing away if I didn’t complete the house to be on the market. My sister has helped me to formulate & solidify a plan to get me to where I want to be & she, along with everyone else, has offered to help me achieve this knowing it is important to me – & what’s more I believe everyone is genuine in their promises. Something I am not used to but which I must embrace & trust; never forgetting the repeated confirmations that they are people of their word. I certainly intend to keep in touch with those I have made a connection & bonded with & will nurture those friendships. As much as I tell myself I don’t have any friends, I am determined to shift that belief. As I write this I can’t help but feel a slight sadness at what I’ll be going back to but I have a number of things to look forward to before the year is out, including another visit with my sister & her wife! 

I may not have a lot going for me over in England, but as my sister said quite poiniantly, I do not belong there & so there is no wonder I have struggled to find my footing & path as I am being drained of any self belief & focus due to constantly focusing on staying upbeat in miserable surroundings thereby not allowing me to really express myself. I have battled my whole life to feel accepted & loved by people who do not appreciate who I am; the whole me instead of just the bits they want to know. It took those who were around me here less than a week to realise I am more than the jovial & light-hearted person I appear to be on the surface; that in fact I am a very deep & empathetic person who feels others’ joy & pain, can relate & understand, & am not afraid to put myself out there. I have not shut down or pushed people away like I have done in the past when I feel someone is getting too close or digging too deeply & feel confident that that behaviour & thought process is behind me. I didn’t do it with K until circumstances & experiences forced me to, & now being able to recognise that makes me feel less of a loss cause. 

I have missed K but it has gotten easier over the past few days & feel like I’m finally allowing myself to let go. It’s a shame as I still believe we could have had something amazing & know how much he would just fit right in with everyone & the ‘scene’ my sister is very much a part of but I feel like I have been shown how much I am worth in his eyes over the recent months & I am determined to never allow myself to be treated in the same way again. There is a fine line between understanding & forgiveness & being taken for a ride. Yes, I have a big heart & try to see the good in everything but I also need to learn when the line has been crossed & I am being drained. I know I have a lot of work to do on myself but I also need to stop being hard on myself (as K always said) & remember I cannot help or forgive everyone & still keep them in my life. I need to remember I am very much in a place physically & geographically that is not right for me & therefore compounds my ability to connect & feel accepted or included. 

I sense this year will be the year of goodbyes & moving forward, & I must ensure I embrace them for what they are. I must learn to let go & feel I am already getting there both in a physical sense as well as emotionally. I have always believed goodbyes are not for ever but there are some that I guess need to be, however tomorrow’s will certainly not be!!

Reflecting On My First 4 Weeks

It’s my 4 week reflection today in my journal & I am amazed at how much it has taught me even within the first month! The main thing that it has opened my eyes to is the importance of food & water on my outlook. When I think back, I have drunk coffee like it goes out of fashion for about 14 years – when I started my job & full-time college course. When I focus on my journal & myself I drink more water & therefore less coffee. I also eat! Today has been a little lax in that department giving into pressures at work, but I really feel pleased with my progress. I still have to really push myself when I get home but it’s all about getting into a routine. I feel so much better on the days I have. 

The journal has also made me realise how important it is to do things for myself mindfully, no matter how small – & if that means it is prompted by documenting each little thing per day that is for me & makes me happy, then so be it. Doing that alone gives me a sense of satisfaction & a sense of honouring myself. I also enjoy thinking about what I am grateful about for that day as, again, those are the things that have made me happy or feel good. It’s made me focus on what is good & going well for me each day which is in turn helping me to focus less on what isn’t going well for me. 

These past couple of days I’ve tried to push through the if, buts & maybes & focus on me. I’ve kept busy & productive & have started to look forward to getting away & having a break. I have realised how little time I give to myself doing things I enjoy in comparison to how hard I work, because it leaves me feeling completely exhausted mentally & physically. The last proper break I had away was almost 9 months ago! I have worked solidly since then with no cover & not feeling like I can have time off due to that! When I come back that has to change! It’s making me cry just thinking about how much I’ve given to that place & yet even when I ask for some help it’s not forthcoming & I am just told they are working on it. All I get is a plastic plaque that collects dust on my mantle. I’m very grateful for the recognition but it’s now become somewhat of a joke. 

My main goal these next 4 weeks is to get a routine in place & pull back at work. I anticipate it will be difficult as I am away for almost half the time & I will come back to 2 weeks worth of chaos but as long as I have something in place for my next 4 week review I’ll be happy. I actually feel quite excited for the next 4 weeks! 

Musings

It’s been another productive day. I decided to get out in the garden today. Although the weather wasn’t amazing, it was dry & there were a few patches of blue sky & sun. I can’t really complete stripping the paper in he spare room until dad comes over & removes both the radiator & light fitting. Frustrated me a bit as he was meant to come this morning but called to say there had been a change of plan & he’d come this afternoon; still waiting… I certainly won’t be doing anything in there today of he does eventually turn up – I’m whacked! 

It feels good to have completely chopped down the bush in the back garden. Looking out the patio now the garden looks bigger. I managed to get it all cut down & bagged up, ready to take to the tip. 

Things feels like they are moving forward; I am getting rid of stuff & decluttering, & the spare room is in the middle of the prep work to redecorate. I don’t want to put a timeframe on finishing the room as I don’t want to disappoint myself when it’s not met but I am hopeful I will be able to move on to what is the bedroom at the moment by the end of the year, if not much sooner! It would be amazing to have both rooms done but let’s not get carried away now! 

I am now sat down, taking a break & writing this while I wait for my dinner to go down. I have tried to keep up with my journal, not letting it slip like most journals I start. I have noticed how my water & food intake has decreased since I have been less focused on it though, & also how my energy levels & mood dropped which I am now fighting to pull back. It has shown me that this is important for me to maintain & focus on. No wonder my mind is in turmoil & I can’t work out what’s best; if I can’t look after myself on a basic, fundamental level then how am I meant to look after myself in complex situations? I must learn to maintain the focus of self love in the situation I am in & if I can’t then I must make changes to enable me to do so.