Ex’s For A Reason

So today I found out exactly where I stand with K; firmly behind him & anyone else who, I guess, he feels is more fun to be with at any given time. As he said in his own words; “no one comes before me” & “I am an alcoholic”. 

We were having a great time, or so I thought. Admittedly I did wonder why he wanted to push the time back to meet up & now I realise he just wanted longer drinking with his brother & mates. When I arrived he was half gone already, having been drinking since 3. We met at 7.30. I joined him & one of his brother’s friends where we seemed to be having a good time. I was finding things to say & being sociable; it felt like old times again. Eventually it was just K & I, so we finished our drinks & headed for some food. We went to a nice place where we had a cocktail & a mixture of sides. Things were good. 

When we finished he got in touch with his brother & before I knew it he was talking about walking me back to my car before going to meet his brother at another pub. He had said earlier about going back to his after food, how he had work & had to get up early, how if I wanted to I could stay. I was confused. I didn’t really want to stay out any longer, I couldn’t drink anymore as I had to drive home & was hoping we could finish the evening off together.

Having voiced my slight confusion & that I was fine to walk back to my car he changed his mind & said he’d go back. Now, writing this I’m wondering whether the lift home changed his mind more than anything else, or is that just being cynical? We got back & he invited me in, but not in the sense as suggested earlier & then proceeded to tell me his brother would be over shortly. 5 minutes later & the door knocks. Heyho, it was nice to see him again, although he did seem a bit guarded when I opened the door to him. We seemed to be having a decent time talking, listening to music & having a general laugh. His brother kept getting calls though which would kill the conversation, even between K & I. After a while however I realised the time & had to make a move. I didn’t want to but responsibilities put paid to that. 

All night I kept trying to push out my head how things went last month when he was going to come to a gig with me only to pull out a couple of hours before we were going to meet up. I had heard all about how he had been doing this & going there, & I can’t deny I felt a little saddened by finding out after the event. Not that he went or even that he went without me but just knowing he has moved on so much that he doesn’t want to tell me what he has planned, or that I don’t hear from him to see if I may want to go – even just as a friend; after all he said he didn’t want to lose me from his life & I have always tried to not overthink what he means by that, but he seems to be doing everything to push me out of his life. It also crossed my mind that he seems to always say he can’t afford to do what I suggest but had said that he’d increased his overdraft so he can do all these other things he’d done. 

So, anyway, as I was leaving I noticed a ticket for one of his favourite artists a week after we were going to see one of mine & pointed it out. I must have been obvious in my reaction as he looked at me funny & before I knew it I was saying how let down I felt about him bailing on me, the excuse he gave, that I now know where I stand etc. That is when he responded that no one comes before him; he lives for himself only & that he is an alcoholic, with a shrug of the shoulders. My heart shattered & all I could do was walk away before my face crumbled. I guess he at least recognises & admits he is an alcoholic; something I had started to worry about & tried to point it out to him, knowing when we met he was in some form of recovery – although I don’t think he ever really told me the whole truth in relation to this & I am now only just learning the extent of it. 

I feel broken & used. Abandoned & disrespected. Hopefully my heart will finally let go now after this evening. As he used to say; we’re all ex’s for a reason….

Road To Somewhere

Today I feel I have turned a corner, well maybe a bend but it’s still better than the monotony of the straight road ahead to nothing. I feel lighter & the self worth is starting to swell. It’s amazing what a few kind words from someone unexpected can do! Especially when those words are of a complimentary nature! They have played in my head since Tuesday morning when I picked up the message & it’s given me the lift I needed to believe in myself again. I am truly grateful to this person, he has made me smile & kept it in place for the last 2 days! I am not however going to succumb to the flutterbies though; I am keeping myself consciously grounded & will observe like the Hanged Man before taking a leap like the Fool. 

Nonetheless, I feel more positive & confident than I have felt of late. I have a number of things to look forward to before I jet off to see my sister in New Mexico, which is only a week away! I am grateful things are starting to pick up somewhat before I go as I was anxious I wouldn’t be able to fully enjoy myself being in such a dark place. If I’m brutally honest, I am looking forward to going away being single! That has never happened before & there is a bit of excitement bubbling in me at the thought of a little holiday romance to really set my heart free & reassure me that I am loveable. Don’t get me wrong, I am certainly not going there to seek it, but if it happens it happens; it’s not like I’m spoken for anymore & I need a boost to move on. 

It’s still very early days for me so I can’t get my hopes up too much that I am finally climbing out of the hole, but I will remain positive & will show those negative thoughts the hand when they start to speak up. Just got to keep motoring along, waiting for that corner to be taken as I throw the rearview mirror out the window.