I feel like a failure & I’m struggling to work through the pain. My mind has completely spiralled into overdrive since the weekend & it’s eaten away at everything I had gained over the last month. The feeling of isolation & abandonment that followed Saturday has left me wondering where I went so wrong. The other night I tried to take my mind off things by listening to podcasts but 2 out of 3 brought up being pregnant, miscarriages & babies; that was it, I was in pieces. Thoughts spinning round my head, spiralling out of control all week.
October 2015 I found out I was pregnant. I was terrified. We were both terrified. Neither of us were ready, we’d only been together for a matter of months. I had always said I’d have a child when I was 30, but needed to quit smoking. I needed to sort myself out physically & mentally. I’d just pulled myself up from rock bottom & was trying to rebuild my life. I booked in for a termination which we both agree on & as much as I was dreading the ordeal, I knew it was the right thing to do. As it turned out nature intervened & I had a miscarriage. It was the most confusing feeling; the outcome was what I wanted but I felt like it had been taken out of my control – just like everything else in my life. The experience was awful & I felt so alone. I didn’t have anyone I felt I could turn to who would understand or that I wanted to know. K didn’t understand & as far as he was concerned it was what we both wanted, just not how we’d planned. But the pain, both physically & emotionally was soul destroying. He sent me a number of beautiful messages which gave me hope for our future & I tried to move on as best I could, being strong & putting on a brave front. I honoured the little bean by planting it with a beautiful plant K had bought me, which still sits in the kitchen today. I’m hoping one day it will flower again…
Following that I knew I needed to sort out some more reliable contraception; I clearly couldn’t be trusted with the pill but I’d had an awful time on the implant before so I was a bit lost. I had a consultation with the nurse to discuss my options but because I smoked, am underweight & over 30 my options were limited. I opted for the pill & planned to ensure measures were in place so I couldn’t forget. I had to wait to start them though following my next period. I had a premonition that I was going to have another failed pregnancy & started to try & read my palms, which seemed to confirm what I visioned. Fuck a duck, I fell pregnant again before I got chance to start the pill again!! This time though I was considering keeping it; wondering if it was my time, if it was meant to be. Suddenly I was not ok with a termination but K was still very much in the same mindset as before. I had taken the view that if I miscarried then it wasn’t meant to be but I didn’t, & don’t, want to be an old mom & although didn’t feel ready, I was scared I was waving my chances goodbye. K however spoke a lot of sense & I knew deep down he was right. 6th April 2016 was when I left the clinic feeling violated & empty. I couldn’t explain my grief & tried to put on a brave face again.
The love I felt for K just grew stronger but things seemed to get harder & harder between us. The wedge was becoming insurmountable & I was starting to feel lost. It felt like both times had been forgotten about, brushed under the rug to be out of sight & out of mind. It wasn’t like I wanted to dwell or always talk about it or bring it up, but there didn’t seem to be anything. All I had was my little plant, & a little teddy bear charm necklace I had bought to put round the pot for our second little bean. I was feeling hurt & so lost, & it was starting to take over me. K didn’t seem to understand or appear to be that effected by any of it though & appeared to be confused when I got upset about the news that his brother & girlfriend were having a baby. Admittedly months had passed since that day in April but because it had all been, what felt like, brushed under the carpet, it was all still very raw for me. I didn’t want to hear about it but then I felt guilty feeling that way towards the brother of the person I loved so deeply. He seemed to happy at the news of becoming an uncle & I found it hard to sit with the overriding feelings of jealousy & inadequacy. Now I have missed out on being there for them during the pregnancy & will miss out on being a part of the little bean’s life. And it hurts.
I tried to explain to K why I felt the way I did, but it was hard to put in to words without sounding anything but a selfish pity party. I wanted him to know how much I loved him & wanted his children, but the responses I was getting weren’t giving me any of the hope I once had for our future; they weren’t giving me any hope at all. Especially when he would retort that “people change”. I know we all change, move forward & grow, but to go from such positive certainty to now nothing – I struggle to understand, & see anything but failure. Also, with the lack of hope or anything going for me other than a demanding job now, I am struggling to do anything about my smoking & yet I know I need to, & deep down want to ready for when the day comes that I am graced with a little bean to nurture with the person I love, who loves me & our little bean too.
Just another thing I’m failing at in life; willpower or motivation.
Mush's Musings 