Pinball Thoughts & Shattered Dreams

The past 10 days have been like a tug of war between my head & heart. Since the revelations of last week my mind has been incessantly hyperactive & it’s taking everything about me not to spin out of control. Every attempt to steer my mind away from K has been futile & I find myself consumed. 

On Saturday night I decided to put pen to paper, literally, & wrote to him. I had no idea if I was going to send it but I knew I had to try & reach out to him & didn’t feel text was appropriate. I wrote without stopping or thinking about it too much; everything coming from the heart. I explained how worried & concerned I am about him & his choices, & how confused I am about what is going on between us. I tried to remind him of where he was when we met & the things he told me in relation to his lifestyle & wanting to leave that behind him, knowing how important it was to him & struggling to accept that it had all gone by the wayside. 

I read it & reread what I had written, deciding to add a bit more to clarify my intention behind the letter & sent it. I figured I wasn’t going to be able to stop the internal tug of war unless I did something about it. Thankfully he responded & took the letter & my concern as it was intended, & said he too had been doing some serious thinking after the weekend just gone. However, he also confirmed that he cannot be in a relationship right now, with me or anyone else, due to his need to sort himself out. 

I am thankful for his honesty & that he has been able to recognise things for himself although I can’t deny I’m not saddened by his response also. Nonetheless, it has only slightly calmed my mind. One minute I feel content & secure, & the next doubts of all kinds are skipping through like a tumultuous brass band. I go from believing in myself & my capabilities, being on my own & time being the only thing between K & I, to wondering how to start again & feeling like a failure, convinced K has already moved on & he is now just trying to distance himself in the easiest of ways. Then I feel guilty about disbelieving him, which is when my mind kicks in with reasons for the scepticism & the need to move on. I start to feel like I can do this. But then it backtracks & contemplates the possibility that I am reading into everything too much & it’s just a matter of time making me feel I need to just move on in the sense of my life but not my heart. And we’re back to square one ready to start the cycle again. 

I’ve asked everything I have about the direction I should go, the direction our relationship is & will go, if he still loves me & if he’s interested in someone else. I have set my intentions & wishes alight, & have read every planetary influence possible. Yet I have now got to the point where I don’t know what I’m being told, whether I am reading only what I want out of it all & the trust in my ability is faltering. I feel like I’m bouncing from one extreme to another being flicked like a pinball from side to side. 

A Rant & Vent

I’m worked up into such a frenzy!!! I HATE MY WORK!! I like what I do but the circumstances I work under are ridiculous!!! To a point where I don’t even like having time off knowing what I am dropping on someone who doesn’t really know what they’re doing, isn’t confident in what they’re doing, & therefore knowing the chaos I will return to. Every time since the other full timer left & there was just me, myself & I to hold fort. Fucking joke! I had 1 day to get everything in place to be able to leave it as straight forward as it could be, & it was doable, but noooo. So, I have had to bring my laptop home to sign on & try & do the most tedious task known to man; find review dates for conferences either 3 or 6 months away that keep within timescales whilst ensuring venue & Chair consistency. Now, this may not seem so bad but it is when you’re juggling up to 30 conferences, 5 chairs & 6 venues, a full calendar & still needing to keep empty slots available for anything that may come in around that time for initial. Bleugh!!! 

I was not planning on having to work tomorrow morning & so had left packing completely. I also wanted to tidy & clean the house up a bit as I know my parents will be over doing some of the spare room while I’m away. I then have a hair appointment at midday, I have arranged to meet K & I have to take the cats down to the cattery before 6pm! & Mom was talking about coming back over in the evening as she’d had a call to say the shop had managed to find & get in what she was looking for to get got my sister’s wedding – arriving tomorrow! Aaarrrgggg!! Seriously!? Cannot focus!!! 

I’m looking forward to seeing K though, however I can’t deny that I’m a bit anxious. It’s nearly been a month to the day since we last saw each other. I hope the words come to me & I can think of what to say & talk about, & I wish things weren’t so hectic so I wouldn’t have to rush off – or if he’d have met up Sunday instead. Oh well, nothing I can do but make the most of the time I get & not worry about what I don’t get to – as long as I’m packed, & the cats are all sorted!! 

Time

Time. It’s a funny thing. It can whiz by in a blink of an eye or drag it’s heels & make you feel like it’s stopped. It’s a valuable commodity, although often taken for granted & forgotten. It can show a person how much or little they are valued by another with the amount spent or given. It is intangible although measurable & often in high demand. 

We are all busy, we all lead busy lives & have to prioritise our time wisely. Sometimes it can be difficult to feel we are giving enough to any one thing or person & must be mindful of any time we may be taking from other people or duties to fulfill something else. It is something that cannot be borrowed; once it’s gone it’s gone. When time isn’t made it’s usually a clear indication…